I was messaged yesterday by a complete stranger regarding my obsession with Drag and the people who are part of this (as far as i’m concerned) Rainbow world – I should point out, they weren’t offensive, or judgy….just wondered why I was so into it as the comments on my social media etc highlights my obsession and made them think I was. (I think they even asked me if I was part of the LGBT+ family – which I’m not, well, I am, but i’m not blood relation lets say – more of the second cousin three times removed or something) but it got me thinking and I reckon i’ve worked out why I feel such an affinity.
Basically, if you don’t know me (or haven’t gleaned from my previous writing), i’m a very self conscious/unconfident person and i’ve always been searching for a way to be me, but not. To be unobtrusive and just to sort of float through without causing too many problems or putting myself in other people’s way. I think that for years I’ve been so hateful towards myself that the ability for people to change to be someone else definitely makes me very jealous. well, no, not jealous, more sort of “I want that too” kind of attitude.
I’m definitely not saying that my life is harder than someone who doesn’t identify with the body/gender they were born into, nowhere near, just that I admire people who have the balls to stand up and say “here I am and I don’t care if you like it!”.
A lot of my insecurity comes from my looks, a lot more comes from the constant feeling of “i’m not good enough”….this isn’t a cry for help kinda thing don’t worry, i’m just open about it now, then at least people know what they’re dealing with when we meet. I’d love to get to the point in life where I can look in a mirror and not be repulsed, or hate what I see. I’d love for someone with the makeup skills to show me how to highlight the good and put less focus on the bad, maybe that’d make me feel less self loathing………I want to ask a queen to do this, but have no idea how to word it without sounding offensive or insensitive.
I am due to go to a Drag convention next year and though I do want to sign up for Meet & Greets, i’m (probably) not going to Fangirl….I would just like to meet some of these people and tell them that they have made me feel braver about life, more upfront with people and much less scared. I am proud to support human rights and am glad to be a part (in any small way) of this family.
I honestly can’t wait for the convention next year, i’ve got tickets and accomodation booked and from what i’ve been reading about Conventions, is the joy of meeting people like you, who have similar interests, I mean, everyone is there for the same reason, you can start conversations with complete strangers and yeah, you may not meet your soul mates, but there will be people there to bond with.
Hopefully i’ll come away from the experience happier, calmer, more confident, or at least after having had a blast. We shall see!
Just a quick one today as I got my subject matter given to me. Hope this helps explain me, hope I haven’t offended anyone and if there are any Drag artistes out there who want to help a middle aged, plump, not particularly pretty woman feel better about herself, why not say hey!
Feel free to send me feedback/comments/abuse etc, i’ll take it all and who knows, maybe i’ll write about it! .
Have a wonderful day everyone! xx