I hate life. I really do, when I think I can see the glimmer of the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be a high speed train rushing straight for me.
I honestly thought I was getting the Mr back. After his mum died he became a different person and we’ve been through a really tough few years, then this news with his best friends mum seems to have sent him back to that.
I never feel good enough for him but the more he pushes me away, the harder it is.
He got a bill last week which he knew he couldnt pay, did he tell me? no, he just expected me to know and be able to handle it. I can’t afford it as i’ve bought tickets for something he agreed to but i’m now feeling like i shouldn’t have. I’m not a mind reader but at the moment it feels like an uphill struggle and im not sure im strong enough.
Over the past few years I’ve made sure that I do everything I can for him, yet its like its not noticed or doesnt register. I know i’m not perfect and I’m hard work but I really do care about him and am doing my best, i just wish it was good enough.
I dont even know if we’ll come through this, and if that happens, I honestly dont know what i’d do. If I lose him, i have lost my best friend, my love and my support, all in one and that though scares the living hell out of me.
People say to put myself first, but i dont value myself at all, so the thought of that just doesnt compute. I want him next to me, I want him and him alone but I know he doesnt feel the same, i’m not good enough and not sure I ever will be.