The above is a quote by one of my favourite drag queens Latrice Royale and despite the look sickening part, I think it speaks well to me. It is ok to fall down, it’s all about how you get back up that matters.
I suppose the biggest thing that I have struggled with in my life is my self esteem. I don’t really know where the lack of it came from but I do know the negative voices have been there for as long as I can remember. It’s a weird one really as despite years of therapy and medications, it can affect me a lot or a little and I never seem to have an idea of which it will be.
The biggest thing for me with this is that I hated for a long time, the body that I was in, and couldn’t get to grips with this is what I was…..not like an existential thing but more there’s so many things about myself that I dont like, and they are all physical things. I quite like my mind, and my humour and I know I have a good heart but I don’t think that the outside matches the inside. I know that seems really superficial but I can remember after a very wonderful friends wedding, she sent me a selection of photos and as soon as I saw them, I burst into tears and had to ask my mum to keep it for me, otherwise i’d have thrown it away and I couldn’t do that to my lovely friend. I’m assuming mum still has it (after all, she thinks i’m beautiful) but I wouldn’t want to see it. I can look at hundreds of pictures of other people from the wedding and the gorgeous couple themselves but pictures of me in them are things that I despise…..which is odd considering how many pics of me i do have. I try to keep photos of me to a minimum unless they are with other people or celebrating something I have done, but you’ll never find me posing up a storm for a selfie, i’d rather photograph something lovely, as opposed to wasting the film – yes, i’m that old that I still refer to it as Film.
I have also got into rows with people before about this, I am so self concious that I try to blend and fade into the background, so tend to not buy nice clothes or make up or things like that because no matter what i’m wearing or how I look, it’s still not important to me. I want people to judge me on my worth, not my looks and unfortunately, that’s not how this world works. It all depends on how you present yourself, and unfortunately, I present myself as someone who doesn’t want to be seen and someone who doesn’t really care about labels or brands.
I wish there was a way to stop feeling like this but as life has gone on, I have become better at just accepting this is who I am and living with it, I may not like it but this body is great, it has helped me do wonderful things and I should be grateful. I have tried to keep on with the positives I have found from therapy and I don’t cry as much now as I used to. I don’t really how to fit in with the pretentious side of things and I have to accept that if a job/person doesn’t want me because of how I look and appear, that’s not my problem, it’s their problem.
I hope that if nothing else, over my life I can help people feel better about themselves, (it’s not nice to feel alone and i’m lucky that I have such good friends who would stand by me, and try to help me). I may not be the best person to speak with but I know that sometimes, all you need is someone to listen and to be there.
So, there you have it, something I struggle with. Not easy to talk about but again, something i’m getting better at. I hope that if you find yourself in the same boat you reach out, life is far too short to hate yourself and if I can ever help, i’m around.
++++UPDATE JULY 2018++++
So I wrote and first published this in December of last year, and I made a change in my life early this year to join Slimming World and see if a diet where I would never be hungry was even possible.
Turns out, it has really helped.
I’m very lucky as have a great group of friends, family and a wonderful man who loves me, no matter what I look like, but even he has said how much happier I am and more confident in my opinions and views since i’ve become slimmer. I will never be a skinny bean pole type, I have curves and still want to be able to eat fun things and enjoy life as opposed to obsessing about calorie counting and the like, but taking my diet in hand has actually improved a lot of things and I’m slowly trying to make my self belief stronger. Keeping the weight off will certainly be an ongoing thing but something I feel I can actually succeed in.