I think that the above makes perfect sense to me….now. It never used to as I never understood how anyone could love me, I mean, i’ve been beaten, used, hurt and told I didn’t deserve love – ok so the person who said this was the worst human I think i’ve ever met, but for a long time, I believed him
My first love after the realisation that I do need to appreciate me to allow others to appreciate me was my current man, Mr A. He is flawed and not perfect but he is certainly the love of my life. I can’t believe he’s with me, or how the heck I got this lucky, but it is truly wonderful, as a grown up to feel you have someone on your side, supporting you, holding you up in case it’s too much to do alone.
A great example of that exact behaviour from him was just after I moved into the flat with him, I had (stupidly) agreed to help a friend with stuff for her baby shower and the kitchen in our place is tiny, I had as usual massively over-promised and was stressing out, lack of space to do things, to store things, to cool things, to decorate things. All I was thinking was about how let down she would be and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I was just holding back tears trying to make everything work, when he came into the kitchen, made me stop and just sit down, hugged me and told me to get a list of everything that needed to be done sorted then we could work through it together. I honestly don’t know what I would have done at that point without him, but safe to say, my friend wouldn’t have had any baby shower bits!
I maintain that my first loves as a younger person were people who I adored, my friends. I’ve been so lucky to have the friends I have, here in the UK and in Spain, I found my tribe and am happy to say that most of the relationships are still going strong. The passing of time and distance between us may affect things, but the love I feel for them all, will never leave me. I still see some of my closest school friends every year (1.5 weeks or so to go :)) and I speak with my closest Spanglish friend every day pretty much. They are the first to support me when I do mental things for charity, they shout from the rooftops if I do something they love and if nothing else, I know if I needed them, they would be there and that is, for me, the best showing of Love that you can ever receive.
In relation to romantic love, I’m not sure I can remember the first official “love” I had. I mean, there were always crushes (mostly unrequited because, well, i wasn’t a cute girl, I was tomboyish and awkward, and most of all, I wasn’t simpering which unfortunately most boys I knew needed) and that but I can remember the first time I saw my first teen love and that feeling will stay with me. The fizzle of excitement, the shared laughs, smiles. The first touch, the first kiss…..god, I can literally remember everything. Unfortunately, as these things often do, things didn’t work out for us, but in a good way. I saw him again a few years ago and despite his mother, still saying we should get married and have babies, we still had the same kind of laughs together. I felt nothing romantic for him and despite me loving his mother like my own mum, I was safe and happy to tell her that it wouldn’t be happening as I had someone who was for me now 🙂
Love is a tricky thing, I wonder if they say that the first love will always stay with you because you are still open to everything, no scars, no baggage, no hang ups just Open to life and optimistic about what the future holds. I can remember the first time my love made me cry, and since that point, he’s most definitely not the only man to have hurt me and I know i;ve built up not only a tolerance but a scepticism of what romantic feelings can achieve. This has unfortunately made me guarded and also incredibly awkward in relationships. When Mr A and I got together, I was a broken uncomfortable mess and despite everything, he has helped rebuild me, but also showed he is happy to just be with me, the person he met was the person he fell in love with but I know the person I am now is the person he wants to spend his life with, and for me, that’s far more important.
So, in the spirit of Love…..can I get an Amen?