Day 14 – A photo of yourself.

This subject honestly terrifies me. I am a very uncomfortable person in front of a camera and then to have to look at the picture and not just cry over the self hatred I have for what is there.

I shouldn’t be so dramatic, I have got a lot better with myself over the last few years but still, photos of me are a bit tricky.

Here’s a photo of me that I sort of like, please be nice – if you chose to comment anyway, in your thoughts you can do whatever you like hehe!

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I’m very surprised that when I started talking about my depression and self esteem issues that so many people reacted like I was crazy – not as in crazy for thinking that but more crazy for telling people and they had never noticed. I don’t know why this would be, I suppose I consider that it was just the way I behaved. I’m fairly good at hiding how I feel and though on the outside I was good at portraying being happy, and fine, and not upset by what people say or do but inside I was getting crushed.

I should clarify, it wasn’t only other people making me feel rubbish, I’ve always had the negative voice in my head that even when someone is lovely to me, my first thought was usually “this person is lying to you, this person is going to lie and make you feel good and then the joke will be revealed” or suchlike.

Over the last few years I have tried hard to improve my own self esteem and for a really long time have never felt comfortable in my body but due to some recent changes – giving up Palm Oil and trying to be generally healthier I actually feel pretty good right now.

I’m not suddenly saying i’m hot or whatnot but I find myself hating myself less. Less uncomfortable and more likely to treat myself well. I have bought new clothes, not just because they actually fitted (seriously, scare both yourself and the postman by your trousers falling down and you’ll see the need for new clothes!) but also thinking they might actually “suit” me. I’ve even brought a dress, for the office Xmas party – I should say, whether i actually wear it or not is still outstanding!!

But yes, after losing all the weight I even did things like get my hair cut. I know my mum has always wanted me to take more pride in myself and slowly I feel like that’s happening.

I’m aiming to dye my hair tonight (or this weekend, who really knows) and if that happens, and it’s before this publishes, I’ll share a pic…..if not, then that’ll have to wait until I get another kind of blog like this – to be honest, I’d rather not. I’m still not that comfortable and would rather write about fun things like food, travel, drag and generally happy things!

 

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