Blatant plug for my new blog!

Hello you lovely lot ūüôā

Just a quick blog post to hopefully drive some traffic over to the new blog I’ve started……it’s more book related and am trying to split this page – this one being more for everyday bits and bobs and the other Bartlett’s Book Nook for reading and reviewing purposes.

Obviously i’d love it if people read both but can also understand those who just want a specific subject so thought i’d publish this and hopefully then people can have a choice of both pages!

I’ll be honest, this last year of as it were “general” blogging has been challenging but a supreme amount of fun and i’m hoping that this will continue tenfold in 2019. I’m looking to read classics to begin with, and ones that I do already know and love but have also given myself a reading challenge (shown below) to add some variety and introduce me to new authors or writing styles. I’m always open to suggestions so feel free to contact me, share your thoughts, suggestions, likes, dislikes and anything you feel I should read. I’m taking on all suggestions and will try to give everything a fair go.

So, yes, feel free to have a nose – ok, maybe not today as there isn’t any reviews on there yet – come back tomorrow to begin your journey but please like, follow, share and I hope everyone has a really wonderful New Years Eve – if you’re out be nice to the bar and wait staff and make sure you get home safe and sound and if you’re working, please keep safe, thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing a really thankless job and do not worry, the madness of NYE can only last a few more hours!

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Why do I blog?

Ever since I started blogging, people have been asking me why do I blog. Even I ask myself the same questions, ‚ÄúWhy do I blog?‚ÄĚ, ‚ÄúShould I continue to blog?‚ÄĚ day in and day out.¬†I find myself constantly questioning myself, my worth and the point of it all……in thoughts such as these and many more!

I am not a good writer, why should I write?
There are so many great articles out there, why bother trying to reach that level?
There are so many people that are more knowledgeable than me, why try?
No one will read my blog, why should even write one – I talk to myself a lot anyway, why would anyone else want to read it?
I have never been a good writer, why should I try and inevitably fail …?
My content quality is shoddy…

This is a going to be written a fair while before I share it, the current 30 day subjects is scary – I’m stressing about writing every day. This isn’t easy and am tempted to go back to less blogs simply to give my brain a break haha!

But yes, why do I blog?

There are many things that I use this blog for, I wanted it to be about my crafting, my journey and the like but as time has gone by and i’ve done less of the actual work my cottage industry needs this blog has become more of a balance space for me. I do enjoy writing – fear about the daily challenges aside – and am genuinely baffled that some people actually seem to enjoy what I write, and am enjoying using this as more of a therapy tool for myself.

Sadness can be a drive:

I do have a very up/down mentality and I know that sometimes a tiny thing can have me feeling really down. I am trying to improve and be a better version of myself but know that it can be useful to vent on somewhere technically anonymous and then I don’t have to worry about the fallout when loved ones see that I am down. Does that make sense? I can vent, get all my feelings out and by the time I hit that publish button – often WEEKS after having the rant in the first place – I am totally done, whereas if I was to share on Facebook or Twitter my instant feelings I’d have people on me all the time checking on me and more to the point, stressing about me and I never want that.

To help me work through:

I write to keep me sane, to keep me calm and to keep me balanced. I am enjoying writing the day challenges as they often give me new things to think and talk about, it’s also a great way to ensure that I stand by my views, they make me think about things and I use the blog as a way for me to answer some of my own questions too. I know that there can be a fair few which duplicate but I am hoping to be more organised next year and maybe split the blog into different moods for different jobs…..cooking, books, craft work and general life. I’m not sure. I need to get more organised in so many ways!!

Why else would I blog?

To share my views:

I suppose in an ideal world, I’d like to write a blog which people enjoy spending time with. I’m never going to be able to do this full time – and to be fair, who would want me to be wittering away like that? – but I just enjoy when people comment or share and give me their thoughts. I love hearing what people think, or starting new conversations and I’m loving that on here, it is always a good way to help express myself and to aid me in finding my tribe.

Blogging has helped me (i’d like to think) that I do have an opinion, if I want to talk about something I should just throw myself into it and use this for me, for my platform, for my views.

I am genuinely really enjoying writing at the moment, I know I say that I stress – especially with a daily challenge when I don’t actually have much spare time and I would like to do it more and am hopeful that 2019 will be the year or crafting my work, however that decides to show itself – but I do really love writing, getting my thoughts on paper (or the computer) and being able to get them out!

What about yourselves? I’m assuming you are here for a purpose and if so, what is that? Have you changed the way you write in your time here or am I totally out of the loop?

Have a wonderful day, I love reading all the blogs I follow (and those I find randomly) and if anyone wants to suggest new things for me to read, please feel free!

A 30 day slow cooker challenge

I tend to do random things as New Year’s Resolutions every year, they don’t tend to be giant change the world type of things but more little challenges to challenge me and to keep me going.

One of my 2019 goals is to do a 30 day slow cooker challenge, I probably wont do this every day for 30 days as myself and the man don’t often eat together and neither of us eat 3 meals a day but i’m hoping to have a list of 30 odd days worth of recipes which when I (or we) make them I will do my best to document and we I think will do a kind of top 10 of the meals once we’ve had them and that’ll give me something else to focus on.

I love experimenting with new flavours but also old classics, last night, we made a chilli con carne with A LOT of carolina reaper sauce and it was yummy – lots of beans, jalapenos, good mince, onions, peppers, mushrooms and the standard spices of coriander, cumin, tabasco, and the aforementioned Carolina sauce. I have even got some for my lunch today, am hoping the flavours will really have improved overnight.

Here’s a list of recipes I’ve found from Pinterest mostly which I’m thinking sound delightful and therefore need to be played with! (where I can, I’ve also share the link to the recipe page, have a look, see if anything tickles your fancy!).

So there you have it. 30 recipes I will be trying, i’m also learning to use a new camera so now I have a perfect chance to practise my food photography!

Do you have such recipes you always rely on? feel free to send me anything you think would appeal, am always happy to expand my knowledge!

A brief interruption from the daily challenges.

Today, I’d like to do something a little different to the current writing challenge and spend some time giving a bit of love to my mum Barb.

family 3

It’s actually her birthday today (so if you are reading this mum, have a superb day) and if you are reading this and aren’t my mum, why not send her a Happy Birthday from around the world?

I should say, she’s going to hate some of these pics probably so wish me luck that she takes them in the spirit it was intended!!

My mum is great. Yes, ok, I know most people say that but I’m actually right! She and my dad have always done their best for me – in every way and I cannot thank them enough. They have both supported me, and although I tend to wax lyrical about my dad more frequently, I felt it was time to share the love of my mum.

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I know that during my life, we have not always been the best of friends, a lot of the first few months in Spain we bumped heads a lot, we are, I feel, quite similar and unfortunately we didn’t always see eye to eye. I know looking back on it now she was doing her best but I know that a lot of hurtful words passed between us and when I moved back to the UK, I really tried to bite my tongue. If mum said something that would normally piss me off, I definitely tried not to rise to it. I knew that arguments would not help our relationship and I’ll be honest, there have been times when she has said something really hurtful, or cruel as far as I see it and I’ve just not bitten because what would come afterwards would be far worse. Over time I’ve also learned that this was the same towards my mum, I know i’ve said some really unkind things and also said things that to me didn’t mean anything but to her cut to the bone.

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I’m making it sound like we were constantly at each other’s throats which isn’t true at all, I feel we’ve both mellowed as we’ve got older and I know that due to the few periods of stress and¬† depression I’ve had we’ve had to learn how to talk and more importantly LISTEN to each other properly – I think we’ve both been open and realised how much we have hurt each other in the past but now are actually working to improve and try to be more loving.

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I know my mums relationship with her mum is very important, they were both so close and loved each other so deeply and I know my mum wants that with me, it may not be as close but I’d like to think that we are friends now and will be able to carry that on for many more years.

mum sw comp

I know that when I was at my lowest, it was my mum who dragged me out of it, she was willing to listen to my sadness, to feel my lethargy and to (thankfully) not judge. I know sometimes I wouldn’t have been 100% honest with her during those times as I know that if I had been, it would have been more hurtful (I mean, how can you tell your own mother that you’d sat looking at a bottle of pills for over 4 hours just debating who would be the one to find you, how to make sure it wasn’t her, how to look after her even when I wasn’t here) so although I know I lied, I’m so proud of her for just taking everything I said and not making me feel bad for struggling. I think we both learned a lot during that time (if nothing else that things we had both said in the past had really affected the other person so to be more mindful of the off the cuff comments we make, as we do not know what the other person will be going through) and I think that our relationship really matured and became much more close at that point. I know now I can be honest with mum, I can treat her as a person not just my mum and that helps a lot.

One of the few things that I took from my last bout of therapy was about learning to accept your parents as human beings, people capable of both good and bad things as we all are and to not hold them up to a higher standard. Everyone makes mistakes, just because they are your parents doesn’t mean they have all the answers and throughout my childhood, my mum and dad made the best decisions as they saw them at the time, doesn’t mean they all worked out that way but that I should stop holding them responsible for things which they didn’t know the outcome of. I used to hate the fact we moved (when we moved there) as I felt so alone and scared, but ask me now and I say that Spain was the best thing to ever happen to me, it strengthened me, it shaped me, it formed me into the wonderful person I now am and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Like I say, they thought it was a good idea but I cannot blame them for the bad things I went through by them making the decision in the first place.

Now we are closer, I try to go away with mum every year (we didn’t this year but hopefully next year?) and we tend to go up to London, wander round, see the world, catch up, do touristy things and generally just relax. We don’t really do much in depth stuff but we spend time together, eat, drink, put the world to rights and just enjoy each others company. Last year when we were in London we took a boat tour on the Thames and saw one of the boats my dad used to work on back in the day – The Will, I had to take a pic of her with it, 2 of my dad’s favourite things in 1 pic ūüėÄ

mum3

I do genuinely love my mum, she is caring, kind, a bit stroppy upon occasions but when she wants to show her love, she will do so. I wish she and my brother were closer as I feel that would make her happier but I hope that no matter what, she knows how important she is in my life. I genuinely don’t think i’d be here still if she hadn’t been there when everything went bad, even from letting me cry in her lap when my heart was broken, or just taking photos away from me that a friend sent of me at her wedding and they made me cry. I looked so awful and I’ve never been a fan of myself but these were simply appalling and I wanted to throw them away but mum kept them for me as I didn’t want to offend my friend in the first place. She has influenced me and made me a lot of the person I am, a fighter, someone who is opinionated, brave, silly, loving, very sweet towards her friends and someone who will help out in a crisis.

One of my favourite things about my mum is her humour, I love making her laugh and I am very grateful she puts up with my dire jokes and still laughs. I know there’s times I really tickle her and I love that, I’m hoping that no matter what happens in our future, I can keep her laughing for as long as possible.

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I suppose this can be summed up as a massive thank you to my mum, for everything she does. She is brilliant and caring and I am so grateful she is in my life, I know not everyone’s relationship with their parents is strong as mine and I know I’m lucky for having them. I know we don’t always get on, or see eye to eye but I hope that our relationship is better than it was and continues to improve that way. You drive me mental at times, but I wouldn’t change you for the world.

Love you so much mum, hope it’s a great birthday and you have a wonderful time, see you Thursday and then Sunday for a lunch and presents xx

Day 27: If I could have another talk with someone who isn’t here now………

This is a tricky one, there’s a few people in my life who I miss, who aren’t here to talk to and having to pick one of these people over all the others is HARD.

I think that as this is my blog, I’m going to break the rules a little bit.¬†I’m going to talk about a few people and the chats i hope we’d have.

I’ve spoken before about Sandra – a friend who lived in Spain when we were there, she passed away earlier this year and to be honest, veery time I think about her I cry so if you want to know about her, feel free to read the blog here:¬†Thoughts on the loss of a friend

In my life I’ve also lost a few family members, my cousin Kevin when I was very young and sadly, it’s been so long that I remember very little about him, he was always lovely to as far as I can remember and his death was sudden and unexpected so more like an instant loss. I’m sad that I didn’t know him better.

For the longest time, the most important person I knew who passed away was my nan, my mum’s mum. She was amazing my nanny, she looked after both myself and my brother and I used to love going to the market with her and she would buy us crinkly chips from a chip shop in Boston and we’d go to the riverside and sit and eat them and I loved that so much. When we moved into our house where she was going to live with us, I used to go and sit with her most evenings, she just used to accept me and love me and I think that’s why I hold so much guilt about her death. I’d had a birthday party – it was my 10th Birthday and when we’d got home we’d eaten and had a really fun evening. I’d gone to bed and realised that I needed batteries for my walkman (or something like that which i’d been given for my birthday) so I went downstairs to get some and she was in the kitchen washing up. She asked me to go and get her angina spray which I did and then I took myself back off to bed.

She died that night and I’ve never forgiven myself for just walking away, I should have stayed, I should have gone and got my mum, I should have done SOMETHING and I hate the fact I didn’t.

I know (well a lot of people have said) that she wouldn’t blame me for that but still, everytime I think about it, I tear up – like right now in fact – I wish it’d been something I didn’t have to deal with, it changed the life and way of our family and I know that as far as I’m concerned, my life was better afterwards – not because of it, but the way our life went made me a better person and I can only hope that if she is up there looking down, she isn’t too ashamed of the person I am. I’d like her to like me, even now.

I think that apart from Nanny, the only other real sense of loss and death I had was when a friend of mine was murdered.

Stevie was great, a friend of my brother back in the UK that when I moved back, really looked out for me, she was caring and loving but also could be completely blunt and honest, generally she was the “grown up” in our group – if we ever had bbqs she would be the cook; lest we poisoned ourselves! and despite the fact that I wasn’t living in Boston when she was killed, it really hit me hard. She was taken from us and I know that her death caused a lot of division in the group, simply because it sent us all down our own little paths of sadness and grief. My sister in law Bird rang me (on my mums birthday) to say she had been killed and I hated the fact I was so far away from them and couldn’t hug and weep with them, I was alone basically and I know that I unloaded on my mum – which was awful considering it was her special day but I’m so lucky because once again, she picked me up and made sure I was ok.

I went up to Boston to see my friends for my birthday and unfortunately, it turned out that was the day of Stevies Cremation. I couldn’t cope with going to the crem and just had a quiet time at the riverbank – where I spent time with my nan – and I cried and talked to her a lot. I miss her so much and hate that I hadn’t seen her in so long before her death but I am glad that the last time I saw her was such a surprise for both of us and her facial expression of shock, disbelief and then a massive grin and cuddle will stay with me forever.

There have of course been other people in my life who I have lost, but these are lets say the most heartbreaking for me. People who I loved who sadly I didn’t get enough time with.

I genuinely now would rather tell everyone how I feel about them and have them think i’m overly close or I am a soft touch. I never want to hear that I’ve lost someone – no matter how insignificant in my life – and feel that they didn’t know how important they were to me. I’d rather have love than hate and I’d hate to argue for example and then find out there’s no way to take the mean words back.

I know i’m a softy and a bit wet but still, having lost important people in my life, I need to keep those who I care about more in my life, I don’t like letting go and that is often why I will send letters, random gifts etc to my friends, they should know throughout the year how I feel as opposed to just doing it because it’s considered the norm……I hate Christmas for that exact reason, I have people stressing over what they can get for everyone they know and they would rather get Christmas crap than actually get something special for someone. I’d rather get a gift in March from someone who saw it and thought i’d love it as opposed to just something throwaway at Xmas anyday.

So, if I could have a chat with someone who isn’t here, I’m greedy, I’d want to speak to so many people, I’m not sure they’d like me, the person I am and the way I am but I’d like to think they see me and are happy I’m living my life, the best I can.

Day 26: What holds you back?

01. You keep waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time.

02. Your planning and focus are in disarray.

03. You change nothing and expect different results.

04. You close your mind to new ideas and perspectives.

05. You refuse to accept necessary risks.

06. You let a few negative people fill your mind with garbage.

07. You avoid the truth.

08. You make the rejections of yesterday the focal point of today.

09. You aren’t taking small steps every day.

14. You want things to be perfect.

To be honest, I KNOW what holds me back but wanted to see what the world of the internet said. I think some of the above ring very true and others not so much, I get that these are considered the “main” reasons someone would be holding themselves back but I think that these may differ from person to person.

I know that the main thing which holds me back is me, my mind, my perceptions and my views. I am quite self conscious and doubtful of my own talents. I have a huge fear or failure – which is weird because i’ve succeeded in every challenge i’ve had so far but despite that, every challenge I face I face with fear and wanting to not let people down. I have low self esteem (which is getting better slowly but is still quite prevalent) and I know that this can stop me making plans and sticking to them. I find that it is easier to hide and give in often before something serious could happen. There are few exceptions to this but most often in my life, I need someone else pushing me to do things. I’d love to be strong and independent, and dont get me wrong. I can be. Just not that often.

I spent a long time when I was younger waiting for the right time, I genuinely thought life went 1 -2 -3 4 etc. and needed to learn that there never really is a right moment, so waiting around for one is pretty much a waste of my time. I’ve written before about my ability to procrastinate and waste my time and it is something I’d like to turn away from. There’s so many crafty/arty things i’d like to do and I’m hoping some of my 2019 resolutions will help there.

Some of the articles I’ve been reading recently have offered ways to help yourself be more forward, less likely to hold back and to aid you in moving forward to the place you want to be, I’ve written some of these down and am going to implement them more next year. Keep checking up to see how it’s going!!

  • Learn to let go – I’ll be honest, I try and practise this already as I used to hold on to stuff for YEARS and the problem with me stressing/thinking about/worrying over something is that it’s my life and time that it’s taking. If I have an argument with someone and spend the next week worrying, that’s just wasted my week, the other person probably doesn’t even care.
  • Start Small – there’s no point in setting yourself major goals (see the world from space – handily forgetting to become an astronaut first: extra cool points for whoever reads and know who said that!) and failing at the first step, take little steps and each one will help you along the road you’re travelling.
  • Keep your happy thoughts at the forefront of your mind – I do this by using my Happy Jar, happy thoughts are kept in there to remind me and this helps me keep positivity at the forefront and try to ignore more of the negativity. Or at least, to try and focus more on the good as opposed to just getting bogged down with the bad.
  • Try and schedule more – I am definitely going to do this next year, even if it’s just Saturday mornings before I meet up with my mum that I get up earlier, sling some music on and make some things, be it sewing, writing, jewellery making or cooking, it’ll hopefully help me actually do more and feel more positive.
  • Take responsibility – this tends to be easier said than done, I’m often stuck between wanting to be me, but also taking responsibility to try and be better. I know it winds up some of my friends when I say¬† “I am who I am, take it or leave it” but that is how I feel, I don’t want to change myself for other people, I like me and the person I am but can see why some people feel that that statement is a really negative thing. I suppose I mean it one way, but it can be interpreted as many others. I am trying to spend less time being horrible for no reason, I used to spend a fair amount of time on Twitter watching and getting involved in arguments and often would just say things I knew would be hurtful and now I look back, I realise I probably shouldn’t have acted like that so in a way, I suppose I am now taking some responsibility, which I’m hoping shows growth and an improvement of the person I am.
  • Think more about others – I’m happy to say that I generally do think of others as opposed to myself. I’ve really channeled that this year with #PratchettPostal and am thrilled it got such a positive response. I’ve been making payments every month to a food back locally – sadly I know this doesn’t help everyone so am hoping to change next year to a homeless charity and am trying to be as kind to people as I can, be that giving more compliments, sending random little gifts and cards to friends or even just smiling and spending time with people, every little helps I feel.

This actually turned out longer than I expected – which is nice! I’d love to hear other people’s suggestions as to their own self care/forward planning and I will keep updating you as to my progress towards being an overall more positive person.

 

 

 

Day 25: What’s in your closet?

Well, shockingly, clothes are the main component as I would assume everyone else’s would be…..

I’m not a girly girl at all, and although I know this will dismay some of my more feminine readers, I tend to have a pile of clothes as casual and then a selection of work stuff.

I went through a period a few years back where I was much larger and tended to just wear work clothes – anything in black to try and hide away from people’s attention and then when I would get home, I would change into pjs or a onesie. Again, anything to hide away. But I had many more pjs and that style of clothing as opposed to going out clothes. I cannot imagine ever being one of those people who is comfortable clothes shopping, or even someone who likes the way they look and therefore shops to accentuate it but I am much happier now at least to browse, and think about clothes so am pretty sure, if nothing else, my mum feels a bit better about things!

I think to be honest, I tend to focus more on jewellery, bags and shoes – not handbags and heels specifically but I’ve always believed that no matter what size I am, I can still have some lovely accessories, I find it easier to accessorise than focus on the main clothing and trying to make the best of a bad situation!

Our closet at home has a massive top shelf (it’s fitted into the wall of our bedroom) so before I lived there the man had his selection of CDs, Vinyls and general storage up there. I haven’t encroached on this but have added a little step to make it less like he’s trying to crawl into Narnia every time he fancies listening to music!

When I was a kid, before we moved to Spain, my parents had purchased an old Convent to live in, it was brilliant and each bedroom had a little sink and fitted wardrobe which was massive. I used half of it for clothing and the other half for toy/book storage and I can remember reading a book about a girl who had a wardrobe like that and she made a dolls house out of a couple of the shelves. I loved this idea but thankfully had actual dolls houses to play with and the wardrobe (apart from being a good place to hide if I was feeling down) was just left as storage. To be honest I dread to think how badly it would have looked had I tried that!

I do have a couple of girly items – she says, totally contradicting an earlier paragraph – and was really lucky last week as I managed to find a dress to wear for our work Xmas party, the main exciting thing about this for me was the fact that it has pockets……all dresses should have pockets as far as i’m concerned, at least then I don’t need to worry about having an handbag!

I also keep some clothes which are favourites of mine from my past. I have a dress I bought in Spain when I was 14, it’s covered in cartoon strips and I loved it then, and I still love it now. When I moved back to the UK I cut the arms off it as it was getting too tight and obviously as I’ve aged and got fatter, the dress became too small but still, I couldn’t bare to get rid of it so it stayed with me throughout all of my moods. Imagine my shock when after going down to a size 12, I managed to get into it…….ok, it’s now short like a top and therefore will NEVER be worn outside my house, but it really made me smile to know that I could still pull it off!

I’m going to take a couple of pics of favourite things from my wardrobe to add to this, they won’t be epically amazing to other people probably but I think it’ll probably show my “style” or lack of!! What do you think? Do you have specifics that you love and keep for special occasions, or something you love but don’t wear anymore? Share your stories, I’d love to hear them.

Day 24: What’s your hidden talent

A¬†talent¬†(or¬†gift, or¬†aptitude) is the skill that someone has to do something that is difficult. It is an ability that someone is born with. People say they are “born with a talent”. Someone who has talent is called¬†talented. Talented people may have more than one talent.¬†Music,¬†dancing,¬†acting,¬†sports, or other skills have people with talent.

Even if someone has talent they may still have to work very hard if they want to perform well. Some people become quite good at something even if they do not have much talent, but if they are willing to work very hard at the skill.

The word talent used to mean a weight and a piece of money in Assyria, Greece and Rome. This is the sense in which it is used in the Bible in the parable of the five talents (Matthew, xxv, 14-30).

I’m a bit puzzled about the topic of this blog, I mean, I understand people do have talents that don’t need to be shoved down other people’s throats but I don’t know why people should need to keep their talents hidden, Are we that uncomfortable that we cannot just accept some people’s talent? On one of the latest Drag Race series, one of the contestants is very plain in saying she has talent, she can sing, dance, act etc and she shouldn’t have to hide those things. She has to remain humble but not hide the talents away……it would be a waste if you have such talents to waste them and by hiding, I feel that’s exactly what is happening.

I dont actually think I have one……unless being able to drink like a fish once or twice a year counts. I took a couple of those online “who are you” quizzes and both told me my talent was Staying Calm, which for those who’ve seen/heard or read my rants will probably be a bit of a laugh really. I mean, I take 5 – 10 minutes per day when I get home to moan about everything…..even if i’ve had a brill day there will be something that has pissed me off but maybe I just try to hold it in and then process it when it isn’t actually going to negatively affect me!

There’s a lot of things that make me a talented person – empathy, language, some cooking talent, a good sense of humour and ability to make people laugh (at me or through something i’ve said or done – either way, i’ll take it!) but I wouldn’t say these things are hidden per se.

I am the person I am, not ideal but still I do try to be better and maybe it is a talent to constantly be pushing myself to be better? I genuinely don’t know.

Do you have a hidden talent? Why do you keep it hidden? Is it something that is good about you but that you dont want to shove it in people’s faces or is it something which very rarely needs a show off?

Maybe it’s something that changed for me as I got older, I used to feel a talent was something people had a natural ability for e.g. I have a good ear for language – not the best as I learned from a friend of mine when we both picked up a “Teach yourself Mandarin in 5 easy and 78 difficult lessons” (or some such) and spent half an hour reading whilst eating Chinese, at the end of that time, I could say the very basics: Hello, Goodbye, Thank you etc, he however was gibbering away like a native but I digress, I used to be very comfortable doing things, dancing, art, and other things whereas as I have aged, I feel less comfortable showing those things off especially as I am not very good at them – maybe it’s an ego thing, I mean I used to feel less worried about others judgement but then I’ve always been uncomfortable with judgement so maybe not. I genuinely do not know.

I think this is going to be another short one today, the topic has certainly made me think but it’s difficult to talk about a talent when you don’t feel you have one.

 

 

 

Day 23: What are your worst habits

I drink, I smoke, I dont eat healthy enough, I dont take enough exercise, I doubt myself, I have been known to just veg and procrastinate when actual useful things could have been done. I doubt everything. I feel self conscious talking and expecting people to listen. I try to do things well but often fail miserably.

So, as above, a fair few bad habits there really. Nothing like, gross but I know that things like when my mum says she’s doing nothing, what she actually means is she’ll be doing laundry, cleaning, gardening bits, cooking, making things, knitting and watching or listening to stuff whereas when I say i’m doing nothing, I am mostly wrapped up on the sofa, cuppa tea waiting and trash tv on the box. I genuinely can do nothing, which shows how lazy I am!

I know that the fact that I smoke and drink is a bad thing but I genuinely think that my smoking helps keep me calm and less likely to commit murder. Drinking is the same really, I know that diet wise it is not good – empty calories and all that – but I do very much enjoy the odd jack or two. It’s been a while since I went out for cocktails, simply because they tend to be really bad for me but they do help me have fun when out and about hehehehe.

I am really bad at procrastination, I would love to do so much in my life but I spend so long thinking about what to do that I run out of time to do at least 50% of the things i’d like to do. I was saying to the man yesterday that I need to have a jewellery making time, just to try and cut down on the amount of beads etc I have around the flat. I know we don’t have a huge amount of room so tend to stack things on top of others ad infinitum but I am looking forward to when we move to be able to have more of a crafty/art room where these things can be stored and there is space and light to use and appreciate them completely.

People keep telling me that I need to sort my sleep patterns as they are really not healthy, I go through periods that are sleeping heavily and others where for days I will have the bare minimum. I don’t have much of a problem with this as it’s been like this for years but it is always the first thing my doctor told me when I went to ask for help – years ago – was that a better sleep pattern would help. As it was, I was working 5am – 2pm more or less so going to bed early wasn’t an issue, it was that I was still trying to have a full day and then sleeping from say 9pm, apparently I should have been aiming to go to bed about 7pm, which to me was mind boggling! Anyway, I digress, now I am working mocu more normal 9 – 5 but my partner works very early so we tend to have a couple of late nights and then a few ridiculously early ones……when that happens I tend to listen to an audiobook or two until I pass out. I genuinely do not know how to amend my sleep pattern, I think it’s too ground in! If anyone has tips, feel free to pass them on ūüôā

I think the above shows a good variety of my bad habits, there are soooooo many more I’m sure (cue my friends dropping in to let me know all those things i’ve missed) but I’d like to think that although I do have bad habits, I am not a bad person. I suppose only time will tell.